It has been stunning to me. It is now about 7 weeks on, I am on antidepressants which seem to be pulling me out of the well of despair and hopelessness I was feeling. This man promised me children - I am 35 and feel my chances are dwindling a little. I want to just move forward but it is hard.
I know I should put this man out of my life as he should never have done this to me. If he comes back, as I think he will after he has sorted his life out then I feel i need to tell him to get out of my life, but I felt he was the one for me. Many years ago I went through a very traumatic break up with my first boyfriend. We were together from the time we were 17, until age He moved to a different state, and right up until I went to visit him, I was still getting love letters.
My visit was a nightmare. Without going over every gruesome detail, he must have changed his mind before I came to see him, and basically he told me he didn't love me or want to be with me anymore, and I wasn't going to be included in his new life. I had no idea that was coming and was completely blindsided. I had a very hard time dealing with the loss of this relationship.
My eating became erratic and disordered, I partied too much; started hanging out with people who were bad news. This was before the days of online communication, but I was still foolishly sending him letters. I don't even remember what I said in the letters, but he would ignore me. Eventfully I moved to a different state, did some traveling, met some new people, cleaned up my bad habits.
Then I started hearing from him again. On his end I think he was just trying to make amends for how he treated me during the break up, but in my mind I still was holding out hope that he might want to get back together. Time does help, as does stopping all communication. I've gone years without getting "triggered", but with social media and us having mutual people in common, it still stings when I see pictures of him with the woman he ended up making a life with.
In my case I think early childhood abuse and neglect affected how I form attachments, and bonding. The grief and the sense of loss was like when someone dies, only he left me by choice which added this whole other layer of hurt. For the most part I go for long stretches of time without thinking about him, but every now and again I still grieve over that loss, and for the hurt, abandoned young woman I once was. I also think for some people, there are just certain love experiences that you just don't ever fully get over, in my case being my first love other break ups I did okay with and fully got over those people.
Social media doesn't help, I find that no contact all together is best. Kitty, thank you for your eloquent, incisive comment. Indeed, our early experiences with attachment and caregiving do color future relationships, and it can help to know that abuse and neglect can color how you feel when someone breaks up with you, and it's normal to struggle more than someone who had more positive early experiences.
Still, rejection is supremely painful-- especially when the person does a in feelings. That can be mind-boggling! I also like the way you can look back at the vulnerable young woman you once were, acknowledge the ongoing sense of grief, and enjoy the growth and strength you've since acquired. Finally, your observation that "no contact at all is best" is quite true especially when the break up is experienced as traumatic. If you still feel triggered at times due to any of the traumas you've endured, I wonder if a brain-based treatment -- such as EMDR-- is in order.
EMDR helps the brain get "unstuck" and process trauma once and for all, so that you aren't triggered into reliving it. Ongoing trauma is like having a bug stuck in your throat. EMDR is like drinking a glass of water, which helps you move the bug along and get on with your life, unencumbered. Life is too short for unnecessary suffering Still, you are clearly resilient and self-aware. Hats off to you. Thanks for your reply and kind words, Dr. I'm also trained in DBT as a participant and facilitator.
All of those things helped some and I'm better than I was in the early years after the break up. But this, unfortunately, was one relationship I just never "fully" recovered from. I think you're right, having early childhood trauma, and then trauma around the first love experience just really close to home. Why am I not surprised? Indeed, your self-awareness, incisive observations, and eloquence could be a testimony to your added resilience due to getting treatment and seeking mastery.
As for "full recovery", that's not even a reasonable nor worthy goal. What is reasonable and worthy is a "healing transformation," and it appears you've experienced that in spades. Hence, the "hats off" to you. You're an inspiration and proof that terrible heartache doesn't sentence us to permanent misery. Best wishes to you. Gay here, so please move on if this isn't for you.
Seems odd to identify with past home-relationships. But that's my stuck today. Davis' article, I will give it another shot. On writing here, I suppose misery indeed loves company. I joined his same workplace 6 years in, so have a great job for which he trained me. We never ever see one another, but finding a new job is hard with no energy and in golden handcuffs. Gullible, I'm aware I'm going nowhere. I told my last girlfriend I might be gay before we connected. If we married, I'd be worth eight figures. But that's not ok, plus then I would be the Indifferent One. I get priest abuse sets me up for more issues than a magazine subscription.
I don't think on it but wonder about influence: I get brokenness is a magnet for some people, so I don't share that till much later. Dating in late 40s is a weeding through 1 hookup-minded in I-want-a-home clothing and 2 Needies. Wanting to get out of "Needies" category, I divert attention to job, finances and gym which help.
How to respect and experience illogical feelings in the aftermath of breakup
Feeling shame about my neediness, I don't go hunting any more. Indeed, focusing on your own personal growth is always the secret to any success, including finding a healthy relationship, as any relationship will only be as healthy as you are. So carry on, practice self-compassion, seek contentment, and be the hero of your own journey! I wish you the best. Going on 2 months after a break up. It seemed like a great relationship, we were happy, he was happy, or so it seemed.
We were in love. Then one day he decided it was all too exhausting and broke up with me by text message. I regret my actions after the break up, the obsession over closure and not giving him space. I regret my actions that led to him blocking me. I am trying to take it a day at a time, but sometimes the feelings just consume me. I am dying inside and I try to hide it. I will probably never get closure, or even remotely understand why he chose to be alone, instead of being with me.
I have to try to find a way to let go, but it is hard. I hope this article will help me find some peace. It's been nearly a year since I was abruptly dumped. We were together nearly four years. I still cry about it every day. I don't know what happened. I don't think I'm ever going to get over this. Last summer I was the happiest I've ever been in my life and this summer has just been miserable. I don't know what to do. I left my marriage of fourteen years to get back with my soulmate from my twenties that had hurt me then as well after many years together.
This man sought me out and caught me at a weak moment. After almost three years of being my world, he abruptly broke up with my by text. We were together the night before. Our kids have grown to love one another and we had discussed marriage. I told him at the two year mark that we needed to wait so that we could give the kids more time between the other changes in their lives and a new change like our marriage.
He was in agreement or at least I thought so but had slowly put up walls and would pout more and more about us going backwards and not forward in his opinion. This man told me I would have to beat him with a stick to get him to leave and he had waited for God to bring us back together for twenty years. I was his princess. He has left me feeling destroyed.
Depression After a Breakup
I can't even contact him. I have to pull myself together for my children. I don't see ever getting over him. My body is aching and I can't focus on my own value. It's been about 3 months since she walked away from a relationship of 2 years together. We met at work and for about a year kept things friendly. I was 47 and she was Very talented artistically and a playfully nature about her. Anyway, it took me about 6 months to approach her about taking her out on a date.
My self confidence had been in the toilet for a few years due to a divorce when I was 42 and more recently having been incarcerated for a year. Nothing crazy just got pinched with ten pounds of pot in my car. So finally after texting for a while, I got up the courage to ask her out to a concert on the beach. It was my best first date ever and shortly after we started dating. About 8 months in, I get a text from her saying she can't do this anymore. Naturally I was floored and couldn't believe that she could be so callous to text me something like that. We were silent to each other for a few weeks then slowly started talking again.
I knew she had some issues but never really took the time to fully understand and how to deal with them even after talking with a long time gf of hers. Issues of self mutilation and low self esteem and all the others that come with it were what was going on. And again, I didn't take the time to research and fully understand those issues. I figured that loving her unconditionally and affectionately was all that was needed. Turns out I was wrong. We met near her house for the last time and she told me she " wasn't feeling it ".
It was very cold and indifferent but I could still tell she was struggling with what she told me. We parted ways but continued to text a bit. About a month after that, we were texting and I was admittedly bitter. It escalated to the point where suddenly another man started texting me from her phone with name calling and threats. I made some of my own and said some very nasty things to her. It continued the next morning on the phone the next morning where I accused her of lying and cheating to the point she was crying and trying to explain but I couldn't understand her thru the tears and me seeing red.
I hung up on her after saying FU and haven't heard from her since. After a couple of hours when I was finally calmed down, a huge wave of remorse came over me for speaking to her in such an ugly way which she truly did not deserve.
I have always been a kind decent patient loving man in all of my relationships so realizing what I had done only drove me deeper into the hole I was already in from having her walk away from us. It was barely 3 months apart and she already had a new man in her life and who knows how long he's been there already. I felt so hurt that someone who I professed to loving and supporting unconditionally almost on a daily basis could be so callous and hurtful to me.
I decided to do some research on her issues and her behavior started to make perfect sense. On paper that is. It eased my heartache slightly but the pain is still here. This is a woman who I introduced to my daughter, my ex wife who I have always had a great relationship with and still has my back and has supported me thru all sorts of situations even after the divorce how many men can say that. A woman who knew how deeply I felt for and cared about. A woman I swore to love cherish and support till the end of time. And due to her condition allowed her to just walk away from a relationship with great potential.
I have been agonizing about the nasty things I said to her. It was completely out of character for me. I hope that someday soon I can apologize to her for that because she truly did not deserve it. I know she has been struggling with at least emotional trauma for years now.
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I often tried to get her to open up to me about it but would always shut down or change the subject. Anyone who cares to read up on low self esteem and self harm issues will understand what happened here. At this point in time, I still do love and care about her immensely. I probably always will. It's the type of guy I am. But I also need to take care of myself. I've been feeling like a zombie since she left and very ashamed and disgusted with myself for the things I said to her.
I also know that her current relationship probably won't last due to her issues. Not that I wish her bad luck with it, but that's what happens with low self esteem issues. They often sabotage relationships. I just hope she doesn't get hurt or abused in any way because that would surely tear my guts out. She would have been safe with me but at this point there is nothing I can do except hope her the best and perhaps one day she will reach out to me. But I'm not holding my breath. I just have to get myself in a better place than I am now.
I want to forget and forgive my partner of 12 years. I just cant, I cant forgive him. He harm me in different kind of ways. She emailed me and said many things to me which I keep her email. I find it very disrespectful and she just jeopardize her job because she send it with the signature of her company she works for. I don't want to be a B We have one son and he has 2 kids from a previous relationship and I help him raise his kids. I don't know what I can do or what can you recommend me to do. I feel they both see me as a crazy person but everything I told her is the truth I feel if she doesn't want to believe me its on her.
I have keep in touch for him because of our son and the rest of the children. Which by the way in the email she sent me she said that both are happy and he meet the 2 children of his from his first relationship and that they have an open relationship. I did email her back and told her since she has an open relationship and he is happy why we continue having sex and did he mention to her that we kept doing stuff together for the kids. Still asks me to lend him money because she mention hes financially OK. I just want to leave everything behind.
Because you share children, you will remain in some sort of relationship with this man. But you can change your relationship for the better by 1 setting healthy boundaries and 2 being more clear about what's okay with you and what's not okay. Healthy boundaries means that you are in charge of yourself and your behavior, and you don't try to be in charge of anyone else and their behavior. And so, for example, if it's not okay with you that he is having sex with you AND someone else, then YOU can stop having sex with him, and stay out of their relationship.
Then over time, their relationship will matter less and less to you because you'll be focusing on your own relationships. In fact, there is a basic truth spoken by the lyrics to the song, "New Rules" by Dua Lipa: I wish you well. I'm so sorry that you are married to an abusive man. It sounds like a very painful situation. And of course you do not trust him anymore-- because he has proven to you that he is a threat to your safety and well-being.
I'm not sure where you live or your culture, but in many places in the world, it is against the law for anyone, even a husband to harm or threaten you. And even if there are no laws against this, it is absolutely unethical and immoral for anyone to treat you this way, no matter what! And you are right, hurting someone is not love. He might claim he loves you, but the only way he can prove it is to respect and protect you, every moment, from now on!
It is completely normal for couples to have disagreements and arguments and to feel very angry with each other. But couples can learn to express anger by talking about their feelings and expressing what they want, NOT by insulting, beating, threatening, or harming with words or actions. This can take much practice, especially if you've grown up watching adults attacking each other.
But there is a better way, and it can be your way if you are willing to do the work of changing and learning how you think and behave. Even if he says you stress him out, he cannot blame you for his temper. His actions are completely his responsibility. He should have complete control over himself. If he doesn't, he needs to learn. And he will only start to learn if you stand up and tell him that he cannot hurt you ever again.
If you are afraid tell him, then you must leave him. If you are having trouble seeing a way out, you need more support. There are many books with ideas for you. Are there domestic violence organizations in your area that help women like you? I am a fat girl that born in Asia that have a strict tradition about relationship between man and woman. Actually my phisically condition never bother me at all, but still I find it a lack. I have a 10 years relationship with a classmate's friend since I'm 17 years old.
5 Myths of Recovery After Your Break Up | Psychology Today
We've been spending a lot of time together, even growing up together. Learning many 'first time experience' together. Including our very first sex. I was so scared at first, because of my family's tradition no sex before marriage. Before we did that, I asked him to marry me later, and He said yes.
And later sex wasn't become something odd in our relationship. One day, He become so far from me, less caring about me. I'm so scare if He didn't love me anymore. I'm scare about my future, how can I married to another man if I have given my virginity. And then I know that He having a relationship with his friend, a tall and pretty woman. Today have been the fifth years we live with this weird relationship. He never break me up, neither do to that woman. But he keep saying that he done with that woman. He keep saying that I'm better than that woman and promising to marry me, but it never happened.
Suddenly I know that he do sex with that woman too. And he promised to marry her too. I feel so hopeless and scared. One day I decided to start move on, because this relationship won't go anywhere.
I started to meet new friends, and finally found a man that love me. I feel so happy, but scare at the same time. I'm scare that he won't accept my past. Knowing that I already have another man, my past boyfriend easily let me go and going steady with that woman. Last week they getting married. It somehow broke my heart. I feel unwanted, unattractive, and hopeless. Until the end, he never say break up to me, but he married that woman. I keep embrace my sadness and loss, even though I have a boyfriend now. I am scare if someday I lost my boyfriend again because I am just focused on my past.
But I can help it. Yes, you CAN help it. What do you think would happen if you focused on gratitude for this boyfriend you have now, instead of focusing on regret for the past boyfriend? If you are scared that your focus on your past will make you lose your present boyfriend, then why don't you practice focusing on your present boyfriend? Whenever sad thoughts about the past wander through your mind, just let them go on their way, without holding on to them. Set aside time to practice thinking about the present. What do you like about your now boyfriend?
What does he like about you? Do you enjoy spending time together? What new experiences would you like to have with him? This can create new habits of focusing on your now boyfriend and your now life. Do this for three weeks and see if you notice a change. Thank you very much for your reply. I've tried to release my sadness by crying and talk to my friend.
It realy help a lot, even though no success at the first try. Now I am focused to learn to love myself first. I can't cope with the pain of my break up. Can't eat or sleep, I feel depressed.
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Can't sleep without the sleeping pills. How can I make myself feel better and sleep better? You should try cbd oil, or cbd spray. CBD helps treat anxiety also.
How do men really cope after divorce?
One month and you will feel better. Just hard to purchase, because always sold out. My favorite is this one bit. I'm so sorry-- it sounds like your pain seems endless. I concur with Kyle's recommendation of CBD oil. It can help calm your brain so that you're not in high stress mode-- and so you can sleep.
In fact, anything you can do to calm your brain can help, such as spending time outdoors-- just lying on a blanket in the grass at a park and being one with nature is a soothing balm. Do this everyday, even if just for 20 minutes. You may notice a calming effect even when you're on a porch or by an open window. There are also many ways you can calm your brain by changing your thoughts toward reassuring yourself and boosting your morale. Resources for gathering insight and practicing boundaries with compassion. Understanding is key to respecting and sensitively connecting with people.
Back Find a Therapist. What Causes Stress Eating? Parenting Adolescents and the Choice-Consequence Connection. Has Gender Always Been Binary? When Moving On Seems Impossible How to release the grip of a lost relationship and reclaim your life. Thanks for the inspiring words, but I still in dispair after divorce.. Inspiring Submitted by Deborah L. I would also add the Submitted by Daniel Lee on February 25, - 1: Also Add Submitted by Deborah L.
It would be easier if Submitted by Dude on March 11, - 1: It would be easier if You can also fight loneliness and depression after a breakup by cultivating new friendships and reconnecting with old friends. Get together with a few co-workers for lunch or dinner, or get involved in your community to meet new people. Join a club, take a class, or volunteer in your spare time. Look for breakup and divorce support groups near your home, or choose a support group for mental illness and depression.
The healing process varies for each person. But with the help of friends, family, and maybe a doctor, you can overcome depression and move on after a relationship ends. If you think someone is considering suicide, get help from a crisis or suicide prevention hotline. Try the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at The effects of heartbreak on your physical self. Sadness and depression are not the same thing. Learn more about the differences between the two conditions. Some herbs and supplements have been proven to ease symptoms of mild depression, but others have not.
Find out which ones might help you. Clinical depression is more than just feeling down. It's a mood disorder characterized by persistent feelings of sadness, hopelessness, and…. Symptoms of depression can vary from sadness to fatigue. Here are nine warning signs to look for if you think you might be depressed.
People with depression may try to cope with feelings like sadness, loss, and anger on their own by "self-medicating" engaging in substance abuse as a…. Suffering from depression on a regular basis and for weeks at a time is a sign that you need to seek professional help.
Talk to your doctor. Depression isn't a simple condition with a known cause. Learn more about symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. Depression can be debilitating for those that experience it. But there are many effective treatments available that can help you manage your symptoms. Depression is classified as a mood disorder. It may be described as feelings of sadness, loss, or anger that interfere with a person's everyday…. Dealing with Depression After a Breakup. Medically reviewed by Timothy J. What happens if depression goes untreated?
Getting support after a breakup. What is the outlook for depression after a breakup? Is It Depression or Sadness? Learn the Signs Sadness and depression are not the same thing. Types of Depression Clinical depression is more than just feeling down. Signs of Depression Symptoms of depression can vary from sadness to fatigue.